


In All The Places We've Been

by NuriaSchnee



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, College, Long-Haired Victor Nikiforov, M/M, Past Lives, Second Chances, Slow Burn, Soulmates, barcelona
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-01-05 12:14:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12189807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NuriaSchnee/pseuds/NuriaSchnee
Summary: Yuuri remembers. He remembers fighting with his fiancé. He remembers the car crash. He remembers dying.Yuuri knows for certain that he has to amend what he did wrong in his past life when he was Katsuki Yuuri, but there's a thing he has to do first:He has to find Viktor.





	1. Iridescent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All is love...All is love. With love comes understanding. With understanding comes patience. And then time stops. And everything is now.”  
> ― Brian L. Weiss

I’d have given anything to see his eyes once more.

There was a lot I needed to say still; too much to apologize for, too many unsaid confessions I harbored in my heart.

If only I could tell him how much love I was taking with me.

But I couldn’t.

Those walls were too high for me, too thick to be broken by my weak hands, the nemesis of my lost soul.

So the drafts would carry me and my regrets where we belonged.

 

 

 

 

_Yesterday I left the sun to soak_

_I wanted to be the green dog again._

_Today I have the eyes reddish._

_I’ve been dancing with the bad luck._

_I’ve told them my whole life,_

_giving the air my cazallera voice._

_I danced in her dress drunk of sorrow._

_I drinked the reason, I smoked the heart,_

_and I’m not seeing you again._

_I couldn’t mix the water with the oil._

 

 

 

 

One of the things I could remember more clearly was the last fight we had. We were arguing about something really stupid, in fact. At that moment we were going through a bad time, the demand of our careers and relationship mixing and colliding, making us get mad at each other at the slightest.

That night we had to pick up our best friends at the hotel they were staying. We were going to have dinner together before they left the city the next morning, and we were already late because he was taking too long to get ready. I got mad at him, and he got upset and cried.

The drive before and after picking up our friends was silent and tense.

And then a claxon sounded. He swerved and after a blinding light everything became dark.

I died.

I died and the last thing I said to him was how tired I was of his gibberish.

And that was something I couldn’t change.

Yet.

Every day when I woke up I remembered his face and looking at the sunlight entering by the window I made a wish, blown into the cosmos, asking to be able to find him and amend what I did wrong when I was Katsuki Yuuri.

I was Yuuri still, but my life wasn’t the same.

The first time I had memories of my past life was shortly after turning eight. I was walking past the Sagrada Familia with my mother, I fixed my eyes on the shape of the gates and it happened.

A burst of memories occurred in my mind in the length of a second, vivid and fresh. I remembered my family, Hasetsu, the Ice Castle, my friends… And Viktor.

Such commotion was clearly too much for a child, so I fainted. When I regained consciousness I started to cry bitterly, scared and confused.

But my mother helped me a lot.

She was a very spiritual person, and never thought I was insane or something like that. Contrarily, she had always been fascinated about my condition and took it very seriously. Thanks to her I learned how to live with my condition and deal with all that such a thing carried.

Briefly after she came to the conclusion I was remembering my past life she did some research about it to understand me better and confirm my memories were real.

I certainly died in the car crash, as expected.

What I didn’t expect was that Viktor, Chris and Phichit had died there too.

I think I cried more at knowing this than at the explosion of memories I had.

My kind mother calmed me, and she told me something that I would have in mind every day for the years to come.

If I had reborn, maybe they did so too. If I was here it was because maybe I had a second opportunity. It was possible that I could find Viktor.

She had the romantic theory that souls reborn and can find their loved ones in all the lives they live, improving and learning in each one together.

With this, I took every step with hope, still knowing very little about how that was supposed to work but no more ashamed or afraid about my strangeness.

I was going to find Viktor. That’s all that mattered.

At the age of twelve I started high school and I was thrilled by the change. In the school were I went before I had been the weirdo for years. Not that I minded; I wasn’t bothered because I always had in mind my way. However, the change felt refreshing.

That morning I decided to leave early and arrive as soon as I could. But somebody was already inside my new class: a boy with dark hair and swarthy, whose deep brown eyes fixed on me at the very moment I stepped inside the room.

Phichit.

His eyes filled in tears, as well as mine, both of us recognizing each other.

As if the death hadn’t separated us, he stood up, I ran to him, and we hugged desperately.

We skipped class our first day of high school. There was a lot to talk about.

With Phichit again in my life everything had a new perspective. We had shared how the memories had affected us and how we had dealt with them, synthetizing what we know theretofore.

There was some kind of rules and limitations; that was undoubtedly clear.  

Some things hadn’t changed: our appearance, voice, names —but not surnames, obviously—, tastes, personality… Basically all that made us, well, us. And this was what we understood less, just attributing it to my mother’s theory: maybe it was an aid for the body to recognize what the soul already felt. But we weren’t totally sure.

And some things were different, just as when we recovered our memories. Phichit had when he was five, during a travel to Thailand with his parents, and his outburst hadn’t happened at all. We thought that that was owing to how much a person can resist, just occurring when the aforementioned is able to do so.

That had to do with how the feelings worked. As we had verified with time the feelings we had were developing as we were growing up. When I remembered for the first time I couldn’t be in love with Viktor, but I could feel the admiration or the warm sensation he always gave me. But certainly I could feel the intensity of my friendship with Phichit. Bumping into each other felt like seeing once more after a long time, and as nothing had ever changed, as the car crash never had happened.

Aside of that there was, as we liked to call it, the overlap.

It was something that we understood… Just a little.

Basically it was that our past selves mixed with the actual ones. The changes that the actuals ones made weren’t big, just changing our perspectives about some things and acquiring new tastes. In the end, aside of our memories, we had lived a new life in a new place, with totally different circumstances and experiences. That had to affect, no matter what.

Anyway, I was sure we had a lot to figure out still.

 

 

 

 

_And when the stars appear,_

_I’m already hanging from the shred of a dream._

_The whole world is not worth for me,_

_yesterday night it was small for me._

_And I planted in a flowerpot without soil_

_I invented another world of open doors,_

_where kisses doesn’t taste like shit._

_I’m searching for another me at clean stumble,_

_and I’m lost again._

_I couldn’t mix the water with the oil,_

 

 

 

 

Barcelona was really sunny that morning, threatening with became as hot as an oven by midday: perfect weather for the first day of my fourth and last year at college.

Knowing that September 12th was a horrible day in regard to driving inside the city, so it was the first day of school for everybody, five minutes after waking up I grabbed my keys and got out of my little apartment. I wanted to arrive to my classes before the night fell. Maybe I’d buy a coffee once there.

As I thought the traffic was hell, even if you drove a bike —like I was—. That was one of the things that had changed. The past me never thought of getting on one and even less of having a Harley. But there I was, all a biker. Maybe it was influence of having born and lived in Barcelona all my life. Try to park in Barcelona it’s an odyssey. With a bike it’s easier, but just a little bit.

The fact that in this life I had born in Barcelona it always seemed like a sign to me. It was the city where I proposed to the love of my life, and the love of all of them.

Now, with my age, my feelings for Viktor had returned as they were when I died. But I wasn’t wishing to find him so desperately.

As the years passed my hopes died a little and I decided to live my current life and stop chasing the echo of my memories. It was sad but life didn’t stop.

I was happy, sort of. My actual situation wasn’t unpleasant. I had Phichit, a mother that loved me —she was currently in a spiritual trip in China and she couldn’t tell me, but I knew she did—, an apartment for my own, a job and in a year I’d have a degree. I had bad days when I could help to think that maybe Viktor wasn’t supposed to be by my side and that was the reason why we got separated, but I tried not to get stuck in that mentality. It was hurtful and I couldn’t stand it.

When I arrived to the Philology Faculty Phichit was already there, waiting for me with a coffee. At getting out of my bike and taking off my helmet he handed it to me, smirking.

“Ready to suffer an abnormal amount of courses presentations today?” he said.

“Good morning to you too.”

“You’re welcome.”

Yes. Life wasn’t bad at all.

 

 

 

 

_Let me bark in your bower,_

_don’t you see the sky is becoming cloudy?_

_Like this you won’t cry so alone._

_If you want, pressure me to bite the floor,_

_That I’m made to paint my soles_

_of the dust’s color of wherever I want._

_My dreams stroll by any sidewalk._

_I leaned out to the corner where I swear my love,_

_and I’ve seen you hiding._

_I couldn’t mix the water with the oil._

 

 

 

 

 

The time until lunch hour passed so slowly that I thought it had frozen.

“Argh! I’m going to have García again. Kill me already.” Phichit whimpered when we got out of the faculty, complaining about one of the teachers.

“You should’ve read the academic guide before getting in that course.”

“Who reads the academic guide?”

“Everybody.”

“Bah!”

That zone of Barcelona was always full of movement at that hour of the day: people running in hurry up and down on the street, students coming together in the bars around the faculty, vehicles passing by the building.

“Where do you want to go?” I asked, heading already to Plaça Catalunya, knowing what his answer was going to be.

“To the Hard Rock, obviously.”

“I knew it.” I laughed, passing my arm around his shoulders.

We walked down by the Carrer de Pelai; it was faster to get to the Hard Rock by there. We glanced lazily at the stores while complaining about how expensive credits were and laughing about how the new arrivals seemed so lost and how they didn’t know the college suffering yet.

Out of the blue, walking past the mall El Triangle, my head started to spin and my vision blurred for a second. I felt Phichit grabbing me by the arm when I was about to fall to the floor. Briefly after my vision normalized but my nose started to bleed.

That again.

Phichit was giving me a tissue before I could think of grabbing one from my backpack.

“Thank you.” I uttered.

“When has been the last time?” Phichit furrowed in worry.

“Two weeks ago.”

Since the beginning of the summer I started to have nose bleeds and, sometimes, I passed out for a short moment. I went to my doctor and he made me tests, but everything seemed to be normal. He said that maybe it was the stress.

“Let’s get you some food, come on.”

Phichit didn’t let go of me until we arrived at the Hard Rock Cafe. As always the two stores of merchandise at the entrance were crowded, and, even when there was a huge space between them, we had difficulties to get inside. It was high season still; that amount of tourists was usual.

Once we passed the crowd we went straight to the bar shaped like a zero in the middle of the establishment, barmen serving non-stop, grabbing bottle after bottle of the ones they had behind.

There was a blond girl serving, green eyes like emeralds, smiling kindly at every costumer even when the tiredness started to get over her features. She was the one that taught me everything when I began working there.

Sara saw us right away, grinning genuinely.

“Look who we have here!” she exclaimed with his soft voice, happily.

“Hi Sara.”

“Hi my little poor college boy. And hi Phichit! It’s been a while, huh?”

“Hi. And yeah. Since the summer began.”

“Wow.”

“How’s today?” I asked her, seeing how full the tables were too.

“Oh.” she shrugged her shoulders, knowing what I meant, dropping his gaze to the cup she was cleaning. “As usual.”

That is exhausting. I knew it more than well.

“It’s your turn tonight, right?” Sara said while serving a beer to a customer.

“Yep.”

“Good luck.” she laughed, aware that it was going to be hell.

“You’re so bad.”

“That’s why you like me.”

She winked at me, making me giggle. Sara had the talent to do everything more pleasant, no matter how tough it was. I always enjoyed more the turns that coincided with hers.

“Are you going to eat here?” she asked while doing things.

“That’s the intention.”

“Sit you two. I’ll call Carles to take the order. And it’s on me, okay?”

“You don’t have...” I furrowed, protesting, but she cut me off.

“Shut up and sit.” she pointed me with a finger and then to an empty table at the left.

I sighed, nodding. Sara was so stubborn and protective sometimes. She knew I wasn’t precisely rich, and used to insist on inviting me when she had the opportunity.

“Thanks.”

“You better dedicate me a song this Saturday.”

“Okay.” I snickered.

I could sing, and play the guitar, and I liked to do so. Some nights I singed there, when there was an empty space in the day’s actuations. I really enjoyed the lives I did, and moreover I had a salary bonus at the end of the month, so it was perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

_Today I sow with a punch_

_my body of igneous roads._

_I make love to myself_

_without looking at me furrowed._

_Then I break with everything_

_in the lasting of a sip of wine._

_I’m turning a chisel perforating the skin_

_of my rotten fate._

 

 

 

 

 

“Can we go to the FNAC? I need to buy a thing before going to work.” Phichit said when we were getting out of the Hard Rock after having eaten our fill.

“Sure.”

We went to the crosswalk at the corner. Wait an eternity to cross a street was something normal, so I tried to maintain my eyes occupied looking at El Triangle huge white façade, with rectangular big windows, and its upright blue letters in the middle reflecting the sun. Phichit was groaning about how hot the day was, and I agreed humming.

When my gaze started to hurt at so much brightness I dropped it to the people in the other side of the crosswalk.

And the city, time and my heart stopped for a moment.

There, among the crowd, somebody was waiting, somebody with ethereal blue eyes and silver long mane.

There, his eyes met mine, causing an explosion of iridescence inside my being.

“ _Viktor_.”

 

 

 

 

 

_What do you want, mate,_

_when you come with me?_

_What can offer to you a_

_highwayman of lost roads?_

_A tailor in the threads_

_that have tangled my life._

_I’m the one that doesn’t have a place._

_I’m a pinch when you forget_

_about me._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an idea I've been thinking for a while and here's a brief prologue. This is not going to have posting dates as I'm doing with the Under Series because I don't have the time, so I don't know when I'll have the next chapter (it's going to be longer btw).
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome! I hope you enjoyed the chapter! <3
> 
> For anything I'm on [tumblr](http://nuriaschnee.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx
> 
> (Song quoted: Marea - El Perro Verde)


	2. Oblivion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The only way to survive eternity is to be able to appreciate each moment.”  
> Lauren Kate, Fallen

Somebody was calling me. Somebody was exclaiming my name in the darkness. Every letter of my appellation sounded utterly wonderful pronounced by that sweet voice. It was like it brought light into the shadows surrendering me. 

And I sensed a sweet scent, one that I knew and I remembered, one that smelt like mangoes and roses.

My body responded instinctively to it, as if it was an ancestral reflex embedded in my core, opening my eyes.

Blurrily, I saw some locks of silvery hair falling from the messy bun of their owner, right above my face, seeming a waterfall shining at the moonlight. Little by little I got to distinguish the bright blue of the two eyes I had fixed on me, the shape of the soft features of the person by my side and those lips uttering my name.

“Yuuri?”

For a brief moment my brain froze, the question feeling like a bucket with cold water spilling all over my system, the sight too much for me to process such realization quickly.

Then, I sat up fast, he leaning back to instinctively, startled at my sudden movement.

The memory of him standing in the other side of the street with his gaze in the sky, a few meters of where I was, appeared clearly in my mind.

I had found him.

He was right there. _Right there_.

My heart started to beat like crazy, as if it wanted to go out of my chest and return to the person it actually belonged. Too many emotions hit me at that very moment: I wanted to cry desperately, hug him, babble all the things I wanted to say for so many years, hush and touch his face to be sure he was real, smile, laugh, apologize, kiss his lips… But the only thing I was able to do was glance at him.

Maybe this was another dream, but he looked so real… It couldn’t be a dream.

_I had found him at last_.

Or he had found me; either way he was there, sitting by my side on a bench against all odds.

Through my shock it slipped some hope. I had recovered my memories of my past life, of us, years ago, and I had been wishing to find him all along; but what about him? Had he remembered me at some point? Had he tried to find me?

I couldn’t help but think he did so, that the bond we had was so strong that brought back our memories likewise for the both of us.

He was calling me for my name so… It had to be that, right?

“Oh my g…Lay back!” He exclaimed, putting one hand in my shoulder, trying to make me lay again, “You shouldn’t be seated yet.”

I didn’t move a single centimeter.

“I’m fine.” I whispered, barely, trembling at the feeling of his touch.

It felt just as it did two decades ago, the same electricity running all over my skin, warmness fueling my spirit and giving me shivers.

Viktor looked a lot younger and less tired, almost naïve. And even if his appearance was a little different he was my Vitya still; he certainly was.

I felt afraid of glancing away, as if he was going to disappear if I did so.

Viktor pressed his lips in resignation, taking his hand away from my shoulder, grabbing with both of them the folder he had in his lap.

“Your name is Yuuri, no?”

I was shocked for a few seconds until I realized. My heart sunk, coldness settling deep inside me.

He didn’t remember anything.

There wasn’t any trail of emotion in his gaze aside of restlessness; no recognition, no distinctive emotion of our connection, no love.

He didn’t remember. He didn’t know who I was, who he was, who _we_ were together.

All I wanted to do and say at the moment we got reunited died inside me, suddenly conscious that if I tried anything he’d think I was crazy or wouldn’t get to understand any apology I tried to make.

For Viktor we were just strangers.

Maybe that was my punishment, getting to see him again in this life but not being able to fix what I did wrong, having to swallow all my pain and sorrow for the eternity.

Viktor seemed to get nervous at my lack of answer.

“The boy who was with you has gone to get you something to drink. He said this happens to you a lot.” Viktor said, sounding nervous. Then, he raised both of his hands to my face, but stopped halfway, “May I?”

I nodded, feeling my throat tightening, wanting to cry. Viktor cupped my face and fixed his blue gaze on mine, seriousness in his features.

So many memories flashed on my mind, moments where he touched me like this, fondly, lovingly, holding me close, pulling me to a kiss. For a second I thought I was going to break in pieces.

He seemed to search for something in my eyes, eventually letting me go.

“You really feel fine?”

The need to laugh hysterically formed in my vocal cords, but I held it back.

“Yes.”

_Of course_. I passed out again when I saw him. My body hadn’t been able to handle so much at a time. He was making sure I wasn’t hurt.

What a great way to run into your soulmate.

“Do your head hurt?” He asked, serious.

“Not at all.”

“And do you see well?”

I nodded once more. Then, I noticed something, looking down at my shirt. It had a huge stain of blood near the collar contrasting with the white fabric.

_Great_.

Right away I touched my face with my fingertips, under my nose, searching for more dry fluids, but I was clean.

“I don’t want to be insolent but… That boy said it wasn’t necessary to take you to a hospital. You’ve bleed so much tho, and I don’t know.” He babbled, “I took a first aid course a while ago, but I’m afraid my knowledge doesn’t reach this far.”

There I had the reason why he had approached: to give me first aid.

“I’m okay.” I whispered, maintaining my gaze down.

I was so lost. What I was supposed to do now? He probably helped Phichit to carry me to that bench and was looking over me until he returned, to leave right after. Barcelona was huge; find somebody without a clue of where to begin was impossible. That if he even lived there. People who lived outside the city transited its streets every day for various reasons, like studies or business.

And he didn’t remember. There was nothing I could about that.

Viktor had appeared in my life, and I had no way to make him stay.

I raised my eyes a little bit, seeing what he held on his hands. My breathing became stunted.

“That’s…”

Between his fingers there was a colorful folder with the logo of the UB emblem.

“You’re studying at the UB?” I asked, some of the hope that had died moments ago creeping up on my chest again.

“Oh, yes.” He looked at the folder, and then at me.

I glanced up totally, fixing my eyes on his beautiful features.

He was _studying_ _at the university_.

The fact that I knew where to find him didn’t seem so important compared to that. One of the things that Viktor regretted the most was not continuing his studies. He had been always so occupied with skating that he never had time to do anything else. But he was finally doing so, even if he didn’t knew that in the past he had that dream.

“What are you studying?” I tried to sound as normal as possible, holding back all the emotions running through my body.

“Literary theory and comparative literature.”

I repressed a smile and the tears that threatened with showing. That’s the first option he always had in mind if he had to try a course. He was studying what he loved, finally.

And we were _at the same faculty_.

“Are you studying there too?” Viktor looked at me with a brief smile in his lips.

I knew that kind of expression. He was being polite, but I didn’t care about his formal treatment.

Maybe he didn’t remember me or his past life; however I had the sensation that he was the same Viktor I knew back then. And maybe he had been making true those dreams he had as Viktor Nikiforov and never came to become a reality. I’d lie if I said I was really hurt about him not having a single memory of me, but I was so happy for him too that smoothened it, even if just a little.

“Yes.” I answered, “English studies.”

“Oh.” His eyes widened, seeming pleased by my words. Then, he came to the same realization as me. “ _Oh_. We’re at the same faculty, right?”

“I think so.”

“Nice.”

He turned his head, now peacefully glancing at the center of the plaza.

The shadow of the tree that we had above us swung with the breeze, brief rays of sunlight going through the leaves, placing carefully in the silver of his hair like fireflies, forming a messy crown.

His eyes were half shut and a hint of a smile appeared in his mouth, pure and simple enjoyment enlightening his expression.

That sight of Viktor increased my need to burst in tears. He seemed so content, so peaceful… And in a genuine way. I could remember how to recognize when he was putting on a mask to hide his real feelings, and now he wasn’t.

Even in such a situation, sitting with a stranger who had probably made a mess by blacking out in the middle of the street and bled like a fountain, Viktor was calm and happy.

The last expression I had seen on him was a mixture of sorrow and hurt, with his forehead furrowed and eyes teary. And that expression, the last of his life, had been because of me.

Since I got my memories back I had been expecting to find him and make up for my mistakes. But now I had found Viktor and he hadn’t any memory of his past life, and, moreover, he looked happy… Maybe I shouldn’t get in his way. Maybe finding him was a signal, but a signal for me to step back and give up on him, let him live.

In the end all was a problem of mine, my burden, my sorrow, my regrets. He had anything to do with that. I was the one who had to fix up his mistakes; Viktor just had to live the life he always wanted. And he used to say I was his life, his love… But those words weren’t said by him, but for a man called Viktor Nikiforov, somebody who lived years ago and in different circumstances. I had assumed that the boy right here was that man, but he probably wasn’t.

The reason why I was so similar to my past self was because I remembered at a very young age, conditioning my actual one to a degree that Viktor wouldn’t be.

I even was assuming that that was his name still. In all probability it wasn’t either. Phichit and I were mere coincidences.

That person wasn’t Viktor. Just his appearance was similar.

Until then I had never stopped to think that the possibility that we had to live separate ways even existed and much less that maybe it was better like that. Viktor had always given me everything, and I took it from him.

If I hadn’t been such an awful fiancé we’d be living in Hasetsu, in a house near the beach, retired, starting to get gray-haired and looking our children grow.

But I was the only one that would ever know that, live with it on his back and try to bare such existence without the love of all his lives.

He was better without me; it was time for me to realize and accept that.

Out of the blue Phichit appeared before us, features reddish and panting roughly. He dropped the bag he had grabbed right away.

“Yuuri!” Phichit exclaimed with a high pitched tone, taking his hands to grab my face, “Are you hurt?! How do you feel?”

“I’m alright.” I uttered barely, overwhelmed, with my cheeks too pressed by his grip for me to talk normally, “Calm down.”

“ _Alright_? You sure of that? It’s the second time today.”

“I am. For real.” I gripped his hands, letting go of him, “It’s just stress.”

Phichit bit his lip, furrowing a little.

“You should go to the doctor again.”

“Not necessary. Everything is in order in my body.”

At least I had that in order, because my mind was a real mess at that very moment.

Phichit freed a sigh, not convinced at all by my affirmation, placing his hands in his hips, arching back.

“I’m going to call my boss and tell him I’ll be late. I don’t want to leave you alone like this.”

“No.” I shook my head, “You have to go to work. I’m perfect. I swear.”

Phichit wasn’t economically stable, and he couldn’t allow himself to risk his job.

He kneeled in front of me, giving me a worried look.

“I’ll go if you promise me you’ll get a taxi to get home and you’re not going to work tonight.”

“Phichit _I’m not_ sick.” I sighed. I was aware that he was worried by my state, but I had been all the summer dealing with it and I knew enough to manage an attack alone.

“But promise me.”

“If I stay quiet it’ll be worse. I’ll take a walk and drink something, and I’m going to be perfectly then. So go to work and don’t worry.”

“You’re so stubborn I’d kick you.”

I couldn’t help smiling at his frustration mixed with fondness.

Phichit turned to the boy right by my side, which he had been ignoring until then.

“Thank you for looking after him.”

“It’s a pleasure.” He said, cheerful.

“Are you busy?”

My breath died. I gave him a warning look, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“No.”

“Can you keep an eye on my friend for a while more? I promise he’s not going to bore you.”

“Phichit!” I exclaimed, scolding.

“What?”

“I’m sure…” I glanced at the boy, questioning with my gaze his name.

He just smiled, not bothered in the slightest by Phichit’s forwardness.

“Viktor.”

A knot formed in my throat, feeling like crying more than before. I swallowed the sensation, trying to seem totally collected, fixing my eyes in Phichit once more.

“I’m sure Viktor has things to do.”

“Oh, I really don’t.”

I wanted to break at Viktor’s words, break and disappear. As more time we spent together more difficult it’d be for me to let him go.

“See?” Phichit said, raising a brow.

Phichit had realized too that Viktor hadn’t a single memory; that was for sure. He was trying to help me searching for a reason for him to stay a little longer with me but… I wasn’t supposed to do that. If seeing me didn’t make him remember he wasn’t going to do so just by being more time with me. And I had to move aside from Viktor; I really had to and this wasn’t going to make it easier. But I couldn’t say that to my friend at that very moment.

“If you want” Viktor started, “we can take a walk together.”

I turned to look at him, feeling my heart sore at the idea of walking together by the streets of Barcelona, but breaking right away, knowing it would be a torture too.

“I moved in here recently and I don’t know many people here, neither the city so… If you can instruct me a little it’d be great.”

Before I could give it a further thought I was already answering.

“Of course.”

Viktor smiled openly, hitting my heart with an invisible arrow. Maybe I had memories, but experiencing his company at last was something they didn’t make justice to.

“I’ll call you later then, okay?” Phichit said to me, worry still in his voice. He grabbed the bag, taking out a black shirt, “I’ve bought you this.”

“Thank you.” I was astonished. I’d have thought about that detail if I was him, and even less being in a rush like him.

“Come on, change it. I’ll take this one with me and I’ll give it back to you tomorrow.”

I nodded. When I took of my dirty shirt and I found myself with my torso bare, I blushed, realizing who I had next to me. It was stupid to be embarrassed by that, but it was weird to know that he had seen me like that but he was seeing me for the very first time too.

That didn’t even make sense. It didn’t care. I had to calm my nerves quickly or I’d start to behave weirdly.

I put on the new shirt and then Phichit handed me a bottle of Coke.

“Be good. And don’t you dare to take your bike.”

Not wanting to give a clear response, I hummed vaguely. Phichit stood up and put the white shirt on the bag. Then, he offered his hand to Viktor.

“Thank you again.”

“It’s nothing.”

Phichit disappeared right away, leaving us alone. All of the sudden I felt all my body tensing up.

When I had woken up that morning I’d never thought I’d be in that situation.

“Your boyfriend really cares about you.”

I snorted a laugh unavoidably at his statement. He definitely hadn’t _nor a single memory_.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

When I turned to him his expression filled with embarrassment, his cheeks turning pink.

“Oh. I’m sorry. It’s just that you two seem to” he pressed his lips in a thin line, clearly searching for the right word, “get along really well.”

“We’ve know each other for a very long time.” I laughed. It was _really_ a long time, “And don’t worry. You’re not the first one who has thought that.”

It was so weird to talk to Viktor like we didn’t know each other. I knew him; maybe not his actual life, but still. But he didn’t know me, and I had to explain things that if he remembered would be unthinkable for him.

It was weird, and it hurt.

“He’s just my friend.”

The moment after I said that I knew I emphasized too much on the word ‘just’, unconsciously wanting to make it clear. I scold myself internally. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to start over; I couldn’t interfere in his life.

“Well then… You’re lucky to have a friend who cares so much about you.”

“Yes. And I’m sorry if he has been bold. He’s like that sometimes.”

“It’s okay.” He snickered.

We stayed silent for a minute while I drunk the content of the Coke bottle, casually averting my gaze to a little girl feeding the pigeons in the middle of the plaza, searching for something normal to talk about.

“So you’ve moved in recently.” I said eventually, “How’s that?”

“The UB has a Master’s degree I’m interested in, and I thought it’d be better for me to know the university beforehand. So moving here for my degree’s last year seemed a good idea.”

“Well, it’s preferable to know the teachers who are going to supervise your thesis, but I know all of them so don’t hesitate to ask me whatever you want.”

I was doing it _again_. Offering him to approach wasn’t the best way to give up.

He turned completely to me, resting his elbow on the back of the bench.

“I’ve heard that things here are really different from the UAB. It’s that true?”

“Kind of, yes.”

Since my first year I had been in that university three times.

The UAB was the other huge university nearby, placed in the middle of a hill, known by being surrounded by nature and its _festa major_. Every mid-October, when the date of the celebration arrived, Phichit dragged me to that campus to live the spirit of its numerous simultaneal parties placed around the faculties and, for those most forward, between the trees.

I had been there _three times_.

“Wait… You were at the UAB?” I raised my brows, and he nodded.

I could’ve been at meters from him and I didn’t know.

“That’s like thirty minutes far from here.” I uttered, trying not to look about to have a heart attack.

Viktor tilted his head to a side, shrugging his shoulders a bit, biting his lower lip.

“Yes. Am I crazy for doing such a thing?”

“Maybe so. Rents in Barcelona aren’t the cheapest, to be honest.”

He laughed openly, resting his head in his fist, making my chest hurt. He still was the most beautiful man I had ever seen.

“I realized about that.” He nodded, “I’m searching for a job already.”

“Good luck with that.”

Viktor straightened his position, smirking.

“ _Wow_. How encouraging.” He said sarcastically.

“It’s how it is. Nobody wants to hire somebody that has a restrictive schedule and can’t come to work if you call them an hour in advance.”

“Okay. But you and your friend both have works, right?”

“Yes, and I still don’t know how I ended up getting one.”

“Where do you work, by the way?”

I smiled, looking briefly at the street eastwards the plaza and then at him again.

“Have you ever been at the Hard Rock Cafe?”

Viktor’s eyes widened.

“ _No way_. Do you work there?”

“Yep.”

He clicked his tongue, faking deep disappointment.

“That’s bad. I don’t think I’m going to find a workplace so awesome.”

“Believe me. It’s not so awesome. I work mostly at nights and at the end of them I have headache and swollen feet. Not to mention the usual drunks and those who are disrespectful with you.”

“It still seems really good.”

“Oh, yes, it is… The most part of the time. But, sincerely, I prefer when I have a gig.”

I just realized what I had said when his expression turned shocked. Viktor approached a bit, bending towards me.

“Do you have a band or something?” He asked with amusement.

“No.” I muttered, feeling my blush creep to my face. “I do solos. I play the guitar and sing.”

“ _Amazing_!”

Then I knew I was in trouble. Every second that passed my feelings for Viktor were coming back, and this time for real, with all the intensity they had in the past. If I stayed more around him I wouldn’t be able to let him go away. And I had to. I had to give up. I had to for his sake.

I had to.

But he was there, and soon I would renounce to him for good. Was too wrong wishing to make that moment last a bit more?

If I was going to live a life without him, could I be selfish just one more time and want him all by myself?

“Would you invite me to one of you gigs someday?” Viktor requested sincerely.

My sorrow felt heavy in my chest, but I decided to smile as if nothing was wrong.

“Sure.”

 

 

 

 

_I break the sidewalks in every strumble,_

_what are you doing?, you see, I’m feeling so well_

_when you’re not seeing me do my performance,_

_tracing my skin in pieces of paper,_

_counting the tiles of my room._

_Crosses my aspect sometimes_

_wishes of hugging the unreason_

_if everything that I look at tells me to not,_

_how’s your life?, I’m glad to see you_

_alone like never before, alone as always…_

 

 

 

 

 

 

The afternoon passed fast and our conversation went on easily. As more we talked more I realized that he was the Viktor I had known, and, as it seemed, I still knew.

Walking by his side by the Rambla again was a beautiful sensation, and it hurt so much to think I would be the last time… But this is how things had to be.

Probably the best way to make up for everything was leaving Viktor live his life without me messing all up. I lied to myself forcing my mind to think I’d be able to bare the rest of my days knowing Viktor was happy. And some part of that was true; I was pleased that he was having a fulfilling life. But the selfish side of me was reticent to leave things like that.

With a coffee in our hands and the excuse that I had to buy some books for my thesis I took him to La Casa del Libro. He had never been to one and knowing how he was he would love it.

I guided him to the one that was at ten minutes walking from Plaça Catalunya, following the Rambla upwards.

When we crossed the doorstep he gasped. I looked at him sidewalks, catching the sight of his delighted expression.

Before us there was an extension of high bookcases with infinity of colorful books that never seemed to end, contrasting with the black floor and the white walls.

It didn’t take a single second before he walked inside hurriedly and started to glance at every bookcase, calling me every time he saw something interesting.

We got more into the store eventually, going to its bottom, where there were the specialized sections.

Viktor started to browse at the Humanities section. I just followed his steps, memorizing every detail of him, even the most insignificant ones, just as how his bun bounced when he walked or how his eyes shined with curiosity.

Suddenly his gaze lighted up and he uttered a cry, grabbing a book from a bookcase and glancing at it as if it was made of gold.

“I can’t believe it.” He whispered for himself, turning the book and looking at its back cover, instantly furrowing, “ _Fuck_.”

“What?”

“This is one of my favorite books. A special edition, in fact. But it’s too expensive for me.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.” He sighed, returning the book to where it was, sorrowful.

After he did so I looked at the book for some seconds while he went back to the browsing, this time kind of disheartened.

_The Great Gatsby_.

My heart flinched when I read the title. Back then, in our past life, that was one of his favorite ones too.

It was possible that he remembered unconsciously somehow?

I shook that thought of my head before it took too much power and made things harder for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_I skin a heart in the brambles of my voice_

_and it kills me the same sun that lights you up and_

_fleas eat me and I draw with my hands_

_early in the morning your eyes in the ceiling…_

_And the crystals inside my chest break_

_and I think about both of us at the cough rhythm,_

_I haven’t did it so wrong, goddamn it!_

_You know it well, what can I do_

_if my feet don’t obey to me?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After buying some books Viktor accompanied me to the faculty, where I had my bike parked. When we arrived we stopped there, not saying anything.

It was time.

“Thank you for showing me the centre. And La Casa del Libro. I think my wallet is going to hate you for that, but I won’t, I promise.”

I laughed, bitterly, but managed to not show it up.

“Thank you for helping me before, in the crosswalk.”

‘ _Sorry for everything_ ’ and ‘ _I love you_ ’ were continuations that I maintained inside my throat and never came to the light.

“Oh. That’s nothing. I got in reward a wonderful time.”

For not remembering he was saying the right things to make me want to refuse at giving up desperately.

“I’m glad you think that.”

“So,” he started hesitantly, “we’ll see around here, no?”

I had to take a deep breath.

“Probably.”

“Then,” Viktor grinned, sweetly, just for me, like he did in the privacy of our apartment in Saint Petersburg, “see you tomorrow.”

I nodded, sitting on the bike and putting my helmet on.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take you home?” I’d have done anything to extend the briefness of that afternoon more.

“Yes. Don’t worry but… Maybe it’s not very prudent for you to drive.”

“I’ve never been very prudent anyways.”

“Little punk.” He snorted teasingly.

“Maybe.”

I turned on the motor, and I looked one last time at him.

“Take care.”

“Sure.” Viktor nodded, holding his folder in his chest.

I’d never forgive how happy he looked. It’d be my fuel.

“Bye, Viktor.”

“Bye, Yuuri.”

When I accelerated and moved away from where he was I started to sense the tears fall down by my cheeks.

I promised myself I’d do this for him, I’d be formal if he was near and I wouldn’t interfere, I’d be strong. But I knew that if he smiled at me once more, even if it was in the distance, I would be weak for him, I’d surrender, and I’d be damned.

And I hoped, wished, longed that he would do so.

I really did.

 

 

 

_There’s just left be content with the remains,_

_eat the eggs for all those who_

_drink straight from you, from your kisses,_

_die a little with so much silence,_

_close the curtains, search another breath._

_I skin a heart in the brambles_

_of my voice and it kills me the same sun that_

_lights you up and I draw with my hands_

_early in the morning your eyes in the ceiling_

_for how good we have…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than I planned it to be but well...
> 
> Thank you so much to all of you who left kudos and comments! It motivated me a lot to continue this! <3
> 
> And things to a explain... 
> 
> The UB and the UAB are the two big universities in Barcelona's province. I'll talk more about them in the next chapters.
> 
> _Festa major_ is kind of the biggest celebration of a town. It happens once a year and a lot of typical things of the place are done along with parties. The UAB is considered as a town, so it has one and students of it and other universities come to its festa major.
> 
> La Casa del Libro is a chain of huge bookshops here in Spain that have everything, and I mean everything _everything_. Anything you want is there.
> 
> The song quoted in the chapter is Despellejo by Marea.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you liked the chapter!
> 
> For anything, I'm on [Tumblr](nuriaschnee.tumblr.com) too!
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


	3. Anamnesis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Stephen Chbosky

After what happened I knew for certain that some things never change, no matter what.

Viktor was still the most wonderful being in the whole cosmos and I loved him with all my heart.

And when I searched for relief I went to the ice.

When I couldn’t bare my thoughts I went to the nearest rink, which was the Skating Club. After those hours with Viktor I probably needed to step on the ice more than ever.

Those who worked there knew me pretty well after so many years showing myself there continuously, starting friendship with most of them. But that very day I wasn’t in a good mood, so I just greeted them and payed my ticked, heading to the ice straight away.

My body still remembered how to skate. When I had the luck to have the rink almost empty I usually went back to routines I had vividly in my memory. Feeling the cool air in my lungs and the blades scratching made me forget everything.

Nevertheless, nor even the ice helped me to escape from the reality that afternoon.

Frustrated and sorrowful I went to work that night, ignoring Phichit’s advice and hoping that the loud music and the constant serving maintained me enough occupied to not think too much.

That your soulmate died because of you was something horrible, and renouncing to them for their sake knowing it was the best hurt right in the core. Being alone at home wasn’t an option.

I was aware that that wound would never heal. I’d have to live with that pain. And it’d be hard to see Viktor around the faculty; I’d try to avoid him as much as possible, even when I wanted just the opposite.

However, I had to live.

“I can’t say I’m surprised about you not listening to me.”

The known voice attracted my attention.

Phichit was standing in the other side of the bar, sitting in one of the stools near of where I was serving to two girls their cocktails. After finishing I approached him, starting to prepare the drink he always had when he came to visit me at work.

“But I’ll forgive you if you tell me everything!” He said, excited, leaning over the bar to get closer to me, “How has it gone? Has he remembered?”

When I stayed silent and dropped my gaze to the glass in my hand, turning around to grab a bottle from the stands he sat again in the stool, his excitement died.

“He hasn’t.” Phichit muttered.

“No.”

I hadn’t the energy to talk about that right then, but I knew that I’d have to tell Phichit at some time what was going in my mind, and if I did so now I wouldn’t have to talk about it again.

“I’m sorry.” Phichit said in a faint voice, brows lightly furrowed, but he clearly made the effort to put a smile in his lips, “But don’t worry. He’s studying at the UB, right? He had the folder. Did you ask him what his faculty is?”

Swallowing, I closed my eyes for a moment.

“Ours.” I answered without any emotion in it.

“Really?” He exclaimed happily, this time smiling sincerely, “That’s perfect! You can approach him and make him remember. I’m sure he will. You two are meant to be! He has to!”

My chest felt heavy and, once more, the bitter sensation of needing to cry appeared in my throat.

“I won’t.”

The room seemed to go silent at my words, even when there was voices and music all around.

“What?” Phichit breathed out after a few seconds, shock filling his question, “What you mean with that?”

“That I won’t.” I gave him his drink and attended one of the costumers waiting.

“Wait, wait, wait.” He said, indignation in his tone, “Explain that to me right now. You’ve found your soulmate and are you going to sit back and do nothing? That’s what you’re saying? What has happened with making him up for everything, with fixing the things and have the life you didn’t get to have together?”

I didn’t answer after attending a few costumers, knowing that I would’ve cried if I had done so. After taking some deep breaths and ease the storm inside me a little I looked at him, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Don’t you find strange that he hasn’t remembered?”

Phichit pressed his lips at my question, clearly off guard.

“You and I got our memories back; and that without even bumping into each other. But he hasn’t. And he has seen me, touched me, spent time with me talking about things that he had known perfectly, walked with me by streets where we had been in the past and he hasn’t remembered anything.”

Saying it out loud hurt more than just thinking about it. It made it real, words materializing a reality that I didn’t want to exist.

“And he’s happy. He has a life. Who am I to interfere?”

“His fucking soulmate.” Phichit uttered almost angrily.

“Who got him killed.” I approached him, whispering, irate with myself, “Who got you and Chris killed. Neither of you should have died, but you did because I had been an asshole with my fiancé and allowed him to drive when he wasn’t alright.”

Phichit expression darkened, eyes narrowing with seriousness drawn in them.

“Don’t you dare to blame yourself about that accident again. It was _an accident_.”

I took my gaze away from him, straightening and going to attend another costumer.

“Yuuri, don’t do that.” He spouted at my attempt to escape of answering. “Don’t shut yourself down.”

“I have to work.” I said without looking at him.

Phichit had his eyes fixed in me all the time, but he didn’t say another word until my turn ended. When I got out of the bar he gave me a sad look and a hug. I closed my eyes while it lasted, feeling less empty in the arms of my friend but more heavy at the same time. Eventually he pulled back, but maintained an arm around my shoulders. Not talking we walked out the establishment after I said goodbye to my mates, heading to the same bench in Plaça Catalunya where I had been that very afternoon.

The plaza looked so different at night, all the movement of the day almost gone, just some persons passing by, moonlight reflexing on the pavement making it seem a big red star laying on the floor.

And out of the blue I burst in tears, bending over, almost touching my knees with my forehead.

There was so much pain inside me. I worked so hard to live a life without letting the guiltiness affect me and go on, hoping I could get to fix my mistakes and offset myself, and someday find Viktor and gave him all he deserved.

But all was a lie. I had no right to be the one by his side and I would never get to pull that pain out of my chest. I didn’t deserve anything like that. I was damned. That was what I deserved.

Phichit placed a gentle hand on my back, caressing me with fondness.

“Yuuri, I know this is not easy, and I can understand you want to let all this go. But I want you to know that it’s not your fault. It happened, and it’s really fucked up, but it’s not because of you. And I’ll accept anything you decide to do; I’ll be by your side as always but, please, don’t let this have effect on it.”

“I can’t, Phichit… I did everything so wrong. I want Viktor to have the life he deserves. And I can’t… I can’t give him that.” I uttered between sobs, “He’s better like this, without memories. I bet he’d hate me if he remembered.”

“I don’t think so. And I’m afraid you’re wrong about Viktor without you. I’ve never seen a man so in love with somebody. If you gave him time… Maybe he’d get his memories back.”

“For what?” I leaned back, looking at him through my tears, “To fuck it up again and mess with his second chance to be happy?”

“You’re being too hard on yourself.”

I sniffled and dried some tears, helplessly, so more of these fell right after doing so.

“I’ve made up my mind.” I muttered.

Phichit stayed motionless and then sighed.

“Are you really going to let Viktor go?”

I nodded, spilling bigger tears.

“I’m not going to stop you, and as I said I’ll support your decision. But as your best friend I have to say that I think you’re mistaken.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Goodbye, the thunder said and I_

_went after its reflection,_

_hold this sun for me for a while, I said, and I never came back,_

_and ruminating the wisps so much I forgot_

_about throwing more fluff to the navel and maybe_

_I should’ve looked back and asked if yesterday_

_the faraway was clean and the path too._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Phichit slept in my apartment that night, not wanting to leave me alone, and I was too torn to refuse.

We got up early to go to class. I barely had any sleep, so I hadn’t precisely the energy to go through the lectures, but it was the second day and skip them wasn’t a good idea.

When we arrived to the faculty we brought a couple of coffees and sat in one of the stone benches of its courtyard.

Phichit killed time scrolling through his social networks in his phone. I was taking little sips of my coffee, wearing my sunglasses to hide the bags under my eyes, looking around in a failed attempt to distract me.

It was very sunny to be so early, the pond in the middle of the courtyard reflexing it beautifully, and the breeze was softly whispering among the leaves of the four trees planted around it, making a relaxing sound. The light made the columns that held the inner part of the building brighter, as they had been recently constructed. Some students were already walking by the corridor of the second floor, backing in the verge of the rail, looking down at the courtyard.

That was a sight that always busted my mood, but that morning it didn’t made any effect on me.

I felt so hollow.

I had my gaze fixed in the entrance, for no particular reason, when he walked in.

My heart stopped.

Surely I had expected to see Viktor around the faculty, but not so soon, not so in his line of sight.

He seemed an angel. Did Viktor really look like that at that age in his past life? I had had infinity of posters of him, brought every magazine he had been interviewed and photographed into and seen every time he had been in the TV… But none of them made justice to him in person.

I still fell more in love again with that man every time I laid my eyes on him, and that’s why I was more brokenhearted. At that pace I would be consumed until I became ashes.

As expected, he did saw me, giving me a genuine smile straight away. Then, I noticed he wasn’t alone.

A gasp escaped from my throat, making Phichit look up to me and then turning to see what I was glancing at.

Right beside Viktor there was another man, slightly taller than him, blonde-haired and with a smirk in his lips while saying something to him.

Chris took his eyes to where his friend had his, our four gazes meeting.  That moment of consciousness didn’t last long, but it seemed a century for me.

The two of them approached us, I feeling like screaming while they did so.

“Hi Yuuri.” Viktor said, grinning, totally ignorant about the reality of the situation we all were in.

“Hi.” My voice sounded cracked, but I barely noticed. My head was spinning awfully.

“Are you feeling better?”

I nodded, lying and not daring to talk more. I felt Phichit looking at me sideways. He seemed shocked too but he gave me time to collect myself anyway, taking over the conversation and thanking Viktor again, making small talk meanwhile.

“Not introducing me it’s rude, you know?”

Hearing Chris voice after so long gave me a shiver and made me come back to reality.

“Oh, sure.” Viktor turned to him, and then to us. “He’s Chris. Chris, this is Yuuri and Phichit. I talked about them before, remember?”

“Yes, but you haven’t in detail.” He muttered with his eyes fixed on me.

Viktor opened his mouth, seeming about to protest, but he didn’t in the end, just hushing and blushing a little.

Chris leaned over me, approaching too close to my face.

“You’re such an _Eros_ looking boy.” Chris sniggered, but maintained his gaze serious.

I furrowed slightly, returning to him the same seriousness, confused. Had he said that by coincidence? Might be that he knew who I was? It wasn’t impossible after all. But I wasn’t sure. He hadn’t made any kind of reaction that indicated so.

Chris straightened up with a smirk in his lips, smiling knowingly just as if he knew what was going inside my head.

“ _Chris_.” Viktor grunted warningly.

However, Chris didn’t seem to pay attention to him in the slightest, just looking at me. 

“Now I know why Viktor had been so occupied all the afternoon.”

Viktor, bothered, gave him a nudge, being ignored once more by his friend.

“Now that I think of it… We’ve met before. In that party. You know, _that one_ a while ago. _Do you remember_?”

My heart began to beat like crazy.

He was trying to check if I had my memories back. Chris was making an effort to put a hidden meaning in his words for me to understand and answer back.

“Yes, _I do_.” I said a little shakily.

Chris kept quiet for a bit, and then smiled.

“Then I think we have a lot to talk about, no? It’s been a long time.”

I nodded.

Viktor seemed totally bewildered, looking at Chris like he had betrayed him.

“Are you free now?” Chris asked me.

“Absolutely.”

“Perfect. Why we don’t have a quick lunch before our classes began?”

“You have class now.” Viktor mumbled, knitting his brows.

“Nothing important.” He said without gazing at Viktor, “So, Yuuri, let’s go?”

I stood up quickly, grabbing my backpack and hung it in my shoulder. Before leaving I stared at Phichit, both of us silent for a moment, almost talking with our eyes. In a matter of a day everything had turned upside down, and who knows where it was leading us.

Some hours ago I had decided that I was stepping aside, but now Chris was here and he wanted to talk. But considering that I was the reason he and his fried died, probably what he wanted to do actually was to punch me.

Not that I hadn’t deserved it, in fact.

“I’ll text you later, okay?” I muttered.

“Okay.” Phichit almost looked like he had frozen.

When I turned to Chris he smirked to me and tilted his head towards the entrance. Holding the strap of my backpack tightly, nervous about what would happen when we were alone, I started to slowly walk straight to there. I heard a brief and rushed interchange of phrases between Viktor and Chris before he followed me.

“Hey, Yuuri!”

Chris and I turned back to Viktor, both of us surprised. Suddenly he seemed embarrassed, rubbing his nape and humming. I treasured the sound of my name uttered by his voice, not knowing how many times I’d hear it again.

“Remember you have to tell me when you have a gig.”

I smiled lightly, trying not to show in it the sadness harbored in my heart, and nodded.

Pleased with my gesture, he returned me the smile. After this, I hurried to get out of the faculty, Chris walking right behind me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Maybe my weary walking_

_doesn’t wander around the door of_

_that called love,_

_and I stayed in the sill,_

_glancing at you passing by, wanting to offer you_

_the feed from so far away that it couldn’t be,_

_and I want to tell you that nothing protected me,_

_so wrong and late I ask you:_

_stay until the day that it rains pianos,_

_stay until I let twist my arm,_

_and fuck me, as if tonight I was going to eat_

_the stars one by one,_

_stay, your heart will play at hiding, with mine,_

_in the trash._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We walked to Plaça Catalunya without saying a single word. I should’ve felt weird, but I couldn’t get out of my head Viktor’s smile.

Just when we had been sitting inside the Starbucks of El Triangle, in the most isolated table with two milkshakes, he initiated the conversation.

“I’m sure I haven’t misunderstood but… Do you really remember who I am?”

I raised my gaze from the milkshake to him.

“Who you are or who you were?”

He seemed relieved at my answer, smirking a little.

“Is there any difference?”

My throat felt suddenly dry. I grabbed my cup and took a sip.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, putting my milkshake down.

“For what?”

_Of course_. Chris didn’t know what had caused the car crash. Phichit knew because I told him. Maybe Chris suspected it already, but there was no way he knew that Viktor was distracted because I had been mad at him and we argued. Viktor had no way to know that either, after all.

“For your death.”

He narrowed his eyes, a bit of sadness shining in them.

“It was my fault.”

“There’s no way that’s true, Yuuri.”

“Yes, it is. Viktor and I had a fight before the crash. I was an asshole with him and he wasn’t alright because of it.”

The truth still felt like a huge weight tied at my ankles, like lemon spilled in the wounds of my soul.

Chris freed a deep sight, backing with his forearms in the surface of the table.

“Something like that I thought. But it’s not your fault, nor Viktor’s. What happened was totally out of our control. If Viktor had been perfectly fine it would’ve happened anyway.”

Phichit had told me that continuously, but the reality was that no matter what I couldn’t get that guiltiness out of me.

“Whatever.” He continued, “That’s in the past. You can’t change it. So let’s talk about the present.”

He made a pause, drinking from his milkshake.

“When did you remember?”

“Thirteen years ago.”

“ _Oh_.” Chris uttered, raising his brows in surprise. “I didn’t until I turned ten.”

“It’s different for each person.”

“Phichit remembers too?”

“Yes. He had when he was five.”

“Well,” he tilted his head, seeming to process the information, “that gives me a little hope about Viktor.”

My throat tightened painfully.

I didn’t know what to expect form that conversation really, but I was curious about Chris’ perspective: everything he could tell me was a step forward to a better understanding of our condition.

And that he was surprised by the age difference in regards to remembering made me think that maybe he was more lost about the issue than Phichit and I were. We had each other since rather early in our lives, but he surely had nobody to talk about this who understood him.

“When did you find him?” I asked, almost choking in my nerves.

He took a moment to think, humming pensively.

“I didn’t, really. He has been around since we met in preschool and we’ve been joined at the tip all this years. Not a big change, huh?” he smiled.

“But you said you remembered when you were ten.”

His smile disappeared when he furrowed, clearly not finding the sense to my words.

“Yes. What does that has to do with it?”

I sat up straighter, feeling kind of unsettled.

“You’ve been near Viktor for years and he hasn’t remembered?”

According to what Chris had said they had been close since they were kids, so I was sure that they shared many bonding moments.

Chris nodded, still with confusion in his expression.

That was strange. My theory was that what evoked someone’s past memories had to be something with a strong meaning, something that had an evergreen effect on the person. How it was possible that true friendship hadn’t triggered them in so many years?

“How did you remember?”

Chris tilted his head, grabbing his drink but not drinking from it, eyes suddenly shining at the memory he had in his mind, a little grin appearing in his lips.

“I was in Paris in vacation with my parents. We went to _le Champ-de-Mars_ the last night and right after fixing my gaze on the Eiffel Tower all illuminated it happened, like a flash, in a matter of a second.”

“Why there?”

Chris smile fell a bit, sadness taking over his expression.

“Paris was the place I had been on my las trip with him.”

_Chris’ boyfriend_.

One of the things that always made me feel worse was the sorrow our loved ones surely felt at out deaths, how many people we left behind, how many lives I had broken.

I shook the guilt out of my thoughts; what Chris was saying was more important now. What triggered his memories hadn’t been true friendship, but another kind of feeling, although strong.

It had been love.

In the lasting of a second the sight of the place where he had been with the one he loved had been enough to get his memories back. Chris hadn’t had to see him in person; being in a place where they shared a moment had been enough.

“Yuuri.”

Something in my chest shattered. The sound it made at cracking was so horrible that I even heard it.

I hadn’t been enough for Viktor to remember. I thought all those years that our love could go through the barriers of death and life, but now I felt like the biggest fool.

Just because I remembered him it didn’t mean that he had to remember me too. Maybe even in our past life everything had been one-sided as well. I knew he had loved me, but out connection hadn’t been as strong as I thought. Not for him, at least.

I liked to think that I was his soulmate, his one and only, that we would find each other come what may.

Knowing Chris’ story it was more than likely that it was somebody else out there; probably Viktor just clung into me because he needed to be loved, to escape from his loneliness. And in his last days of life I had made him feel more sad and lonely than ever.

I deserved this.

“ _Yuuri_ , you’re bleeding.”

Chris made me come back to reality with his alarmed tone. I reacted immediately, touching my nose and grabbing some paper napkins at finding blood there. I covered it with them, putting pressure at the same time to cut the hemorrhage.

“Viktor told me this morning about yesterday. Are you sick or something?” Chris said with concern.

“No. It just happens sometimes.”

Chris didn’t seem totally convinced, but didn’t ask again. Luckily I didn’t bleed much. At that pace I’d end up having anemia for real.

“You alright?” he muttered eventually.

I hummed, not daring to lie saying I was or denying it and make him feel like he had to comfort me.

“I’ve been really startled when I’ve seen you. I’d never have thought that you were who Viktor had bumped into yesterday. I can’t understand how is possible that he hasn’t remembered yet.”

Hushing felt like the wiser thing to do knowing that if I opened my mouth to talk I would probably sob.

“I swear… I tried everything, but nor even taking him skating had been strong enough. I hoped that the day you two reunited Viktor would get his memories back at last.”

Chris was glancing directly at me, but I had my eyes fixed on the surface of the table, breathing softly, trying to ease the burn on them.

“How did you remember?” Chris muttered as he wasn’t completely sure about asking.

“One day when I walked past the Sagrada Familia. I was eight.”

We didn’t talk more for a few minutes, Chris drinking his milkshake while thinking about something and I totally caught in the new information I had and feeling really awful.

“So what are you going to do?” Chris spouted eventually.

I raised my gaze to him finally, not caring anymore about the possibility that my eyes were red.

“What?”

“You want him to remember, no?”

His question felt like a stab right in the stomach. I dropped my gaze again, squeezing in a ball the dirty napkins in my hand.

“It doesn’t matter what I want.”

“Of course it does! Yuuri you’re the only one that can make Viktor do so!” he said sort of outraged.

At that point I was exhausted. It hadn’t been a day yet, but I felt like I had been in that anguish for months. Telling Phichit that I was stepping aside almost left me without energy, every word I said opening a new wound. I didn’t expect to have to say it again or wanted to do so; however, it was better to do it now.

“Viktor is not going to remember me, Chris. And if he does someday he’ll hate me.” I shrugged my shoulders and took my gaze to the window next to us, a few tears falling so I couldn’t held them back any longer, “I’m the reason his life ended. I’m the reason why he died sad and upset. What right do I have to interfere now? He seems happy. He has the opportunity to live how he wanted for so long. I don’t want to screw up his life again. And maybe he doesn’t remember because it’s how it has to be. Maybe I wasn’t that important for him after all.”

“I can’t believe you’re saying this.”

I turned my head to Chris at his rough tone. His expression was hard, but at the same time there was a hint of hurt in his eyes.

“Viktor didn’t love anyone or anything more than you, nor even himself. How can you doubt of that? He hasn’t remembered me either, you know? But I’m not thinking he didn’t consider me his best friend because I know he did.”

I grabbed my sunglasses, which were on the table, and even when we were inside I put them on, hiding the outburst of tears that was about to happen. I crossed my arms over my chest and pressed my lips, as if that repressed how bad I felt.

“Hey, Yuuri, I can understand how you feel, okay? I’m very aware of how frustrating it is. I have been feeling like this for years. But you can’t let that condition what Viktor is for you, and what you are for him.”

I didn’t want to hear any word more. I wanted to run and hide somewhere where I could scream and cry. Phichit and Chris were both saying that I was wrong, that I had to do something… But I couldn’t.

“Please…” Chris said, almost whispering, pleadingly, “I know you still love him like back then. So, _please_ , do something.”

I couldn’t bare that longer.

“I’m sorry…”

“ _Yuuri_.” He cut me off, sounding like he was reproaching and pleading me all at once.

“ _I can’t_.”

“Nor even if I tell you he fell in love with you yesterday?”

Chris wasn’t being mean on purpose, I knew that, but that in particular really bothered me.

“That didn’t happen.” I turned to him, unconsciously on the defensive, “Don’t try to coercion me with a fallacy.”

“Am I? Or is it you that doesn’t want to hear?”

He was right, and that bothered me even more. And I really wanted to be able to get mad because of it. Nevertheless, I couldn’t. Chris was trying to do the best for Viktor, just like me. The thing was that we had really divergent perspectives.

I rubbed my eyes with my fingertips, swallowing the bother, and drying my tears without taking the glasses off.

“He’s hasn’t stopped talking about you since I picked him up.”

Those words triggered a shiver in my nape. I uncovered my eyes, looking at Chris. I was as sure as hurt about my decision. My mind wouldn’t change because anything he said, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t affect me.

He seemed to read what I was thinking, and sighed, downcast.

“If you don’t want to do anything… At least promise me you won’t turn him down if he wants to approach.”

Unfortunately for me, I knew that if Viktor got closer to me I wouldn’t be able to pull away.

“Okay.”

 

 

 

_Counting the stitches without threads is_

_what I have left to do,_

_that they say I’m so dumb_

_that I hasn’t known how to go crazy,_

_but I swore to dress in black the jolts I embroidered_

_and wake up fine and damned for you,_

_and, when saying to the paper that I’m still here,_

_the echo returns the moan to me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life has been crazy for me these weeks. I'm posting this at six in the morning so that's says it all.
> 
> I hope you liked the chapter! <3 I expect to have more time to write next week and post again but who knows.
> 
> I'm on tumblr with the same name for anything!
> 
> Song quoted: Marea - El día que lluevan painos
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


	4. Epiphany

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I cannot be other than what I am, and I am the choices of all my days.”  
> ― Lauren Kate, Passion

It had been the hardest week of my whole lives.

I was seeing Viktor more than I expected. Chris had taken advantage of the promise I made to him about not turning Viktor down. Since Viktor was glued to his side all the day, every time he saw Phichit and I around he approached us to talk about random things, making Viktor take part in the conversation too.

This was killing me, and Chris knew perfectly how hard this was for me, but even so he was doing it. Moreover, I hadn’t had the chance to find him alone to talk and I hadn’t his phone number to call him. So my only option was to tolerate it. I tried to avoid the situations all I could but sometimes it was inevitable.

That Friday felt like a blessing to me, a salvation. I had almost three days in which I didn’t have to go through that torture.

The only thing that made me feel a little better was that I was going to play on Saturday night. During the summer the place was usually full of foreigners at night and the songs I played weren’t exactly suitable for peak seasons; the lives during those months were in charge of more professional groups. So I was excited to play again.

“A hard week?”

I hadn’t realized that Sara had entered the staff room. I looked at her, a little startled for the intrusion. She closed the door, muffling the din outside.

“Kind of.” I sighed.

She gave me a little smile of understanding, walking towards me. Sara was a person of unique presence. No matter what was my mood, if she was around everything felt lighter. It was like she radiated calmness. And right then that was a feeling I really welcomed.

Sara grabbed the hair gel I had next to me in the table I was sitting on.

“Can I help you fix your hair?”

I nodded. She passed her fingers through my hair, making sure there weren’t tangles, and then put some hair gel in one of her palms.

“Do you want to talk?” She said, starting to style my hair.

“There’s nothing to talk about, really. I just have to get used to get up so early again.”

“Well… But you know you can turn to me if you need anything, right?”

“Yes.” I did my best to smile and that it seemed genuine, “Don’t worry.”

“That’s my boy.” She put gel in my nose, giggling when I grunted at the cool sensation.

She continued putting gel on my hair while talking about her week, clearly trying to distract me from whatever that was going on my mind. I listened to her carefully, humming and nodding when I had to.

“By the way, you have invited your friends tonight, no? They’re already having dinner.”

It took me a few seconds to notice she had changed the subject. I stared at her blankly.

“What? I haven’t invited anybody.”

She furrowed, looking confused.

“Well, maybe Phichit has invited them then.” Sara uttered, going for a tissue paper to her locker to clean her hands.

“Is he here?”

He hadn’t told me he was going to come, and even less that he was going to bring somebody with him.

“Yep.”

“Who’s with him?” It didn’t bother me if some of our friends from the faculty were there. It wouldn’t be the first time they had come to see me play.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged her shoulders, rummaging into the locker, “It’s the first time I see them. They’re really hot, apropos. They seem models or something.”

I felt the tachycardia growing, fearing that at the other side of the door, in one of the tables, those sitting with Phichit were Chris and Viktor.

“How are they?” I muttered, trying to sound as always, failing miserably.

“One is blonde with green eyes… And the other has a silvery long hair and blue eyes. Sorry. I’m not good with descriptions.”

I repressed a grunt. Now I was sure that I was receiving a punishment and that I couldn’t flee from it. But no matter what I had to go out and play as if nothing was happening, as if the man I always loved and I carried to his death wasn’t right there with his eyes on me. Phichit was the only one that knew I had a gig that night and I’d have to have a word with him later if he said something to Chris about it. And it was entirely possible that Chris had made plans for that night. If that was the case I would decline and give an excuse to go home. I didn’t want to make this more complicated.

I asked Sara to bring me a beer before I had to go up the stage, having like this a moment to breathe deep and collect myself. My chest already hurt, and I hadn’t even seen him yet. Along the week the idea of packing all my things and disappearing started to become tempting but I couldn’t do that. Everything I had was in that city. I had lived there all my life; I couldn’t run away just because. Besides, I wasn’t able to leave Viktor behind really. That’s why I was so afraid of being around him. I wanted so desperately to get closer to him and so far at the same time… I had my irrationality fighting with my rationality every second of the day. I knew that I was weak for Viktor; I’d never be able to deny him. If he wanted me in the slightest I’d be there without a doubt. And I couldn’t allow that to happen, even if I wished it with all of me. I wasn’t willing to break Viktor’s life again.

I downed the beer that Sara brought me and picked my guitar up, hanging it with putting the strap over my shoulder. She wished me good luck and slapped my but before I crossed the door. I left the room with a brief smile, thanking Sara silently for her unconditional backing.

The stage wasn’t truly a stage. It just was the most elevated place of the bar, where we usually had tables, but that was cleared for the lives. Now there was a stool and a mic. I didn’t turn my head to the people in the tables. I reunited some calm and I knew that looking there would ruin it.

I just sat there, connected my guitar with the sound cable and adjusted the length of the mic. I heard Phichit whistling and screaming something supportive. At that I sighed and grinned a little. No, I was sure that he hadn’t told Chris. He would never do something against my wishes, even if we both knew that those weren’t making me precisely happy.

After taking a last deep breath I [started](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zh4ei-2zwjU) to touch the strings, playing the chords like I was caressing the notes with my fingers, gently creating the melancholic melody.

I lost myself in the lyrics. While singing I realized I should’ve chosen something else to start that night’s repertoire, but until that very moment I hadn’t realized how much the song described the way I felt all along the week. The worst was that Viktor was right there, hearing my voice and not knowing that I was singing out the way I felt for all that had happened between us. He didn’t even know that it had been an ‘us’.

Through the song I squinted, almost closing the eyes, holding back the tears, pouring my headache into the song and letting the lyrics harbor my emotions.

Viktor wasn’t going to remember me and that was my fault too. I had thought about that a lot, even when I tried not to, and I came to the conclusion that I had locked his heart and mind. He had died suffering because of me; there was no benefit in remembering his past life for him. If he did so it would be just to feel pain again. His soul was protecting him from that hurt.

But like that it was better.

The song ended and it felt relieving. I had a lot of feelings in my chest that I didn’t know how to express; now it was lighter and clearer. Because of this I felt brave enough to dare to glance at the tables at last.

Yes, they were there. Phichit cheered enthusiastically, clapping; Chris and Viktor clapped too. I couldn’t see them right because of the powerful light above me but it didn’t felt as bad as I thought previously. If I forgot for a moment about the actual situation I even felt happy to have them there.

But the reality struck quickly and I had to continue singing, just as I had to continue with everything else without him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Today I swept my corner_

_I razed all the walls, I painted thousand paths_

_I went downriver; what a sunny day_

_I see myself at her side saying ‘I love you’_

_I wake up and everything is over._

_Let he light go off_

_little stars will rise, let the dreams come back_

_that will carry the moon to this corner._

_I make her room even if it’s small._

_I kiss her, to hell with everything._

_And in this beach the waves_

_never fuck with the sea._

_I’ll stop fighting._

_I look at her in the eye, she puts up a fight to me_

_I kiss her before she goes,_

_before she goes,_

_before she goes._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When the last song of my gig ended my nerves hit hard suddenly. It was time to go down the stage and approach the table where they were. My legs were a little weak and trembled. Sara whistled loudly with her fingers from behind the bar, making me giggle again. I avoided looking at the table once more, going straight to the staff room. There I put my guitar in its case. Then, I sighed.

I left the room with my head full of doubts and went to the table and my heart racing. The three of them raised their heads when I stood right there.

“Yuuri!” Phichit stood up, hugging me, “This has been awesome, man! I’m so proud!”

“Thank you.” I uttered and then whispered just for him to hear, “What is this?”

“Chris has a plan.”

I was about to ask what he was talking about when he pulled back and sat again.

“That was really impressive. I didn’t know you could sing.” Chris said with a smirk.

Looking at him in the eye I pressed my lips in a thin line, frustrated. I should’ve oriented our conversation better.

“Thanks.”

“Come on, sit.” Phichit pointed the empty chair right next to Viktor.

For the first time I felt brave enough to see what expression he had and I regretted it straight away because it made my heartache swell. Viktor was glancing at me with contentedness, eyes lighted up, shining, with all his attention on me.

I dropped myself on the chair and Viktor smiled genuinely.

“You’re voice is amazing! I’m glad I came.”

Making a real effort I smiled back and thanked him, trying to hide how much I wanted to melt and disappear. I wasn’t going to tolerate that for much longer. I had to do something about it. Chris had to stop trying to push me to Viktor. I just wanted to stop feeling so much pain.

“Viktor, what if we go for some drinks?” Phichit raised his empty glass, “I’m sure Yuuri is thirsty. And I am a little too.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Chris and Phichit shared a brief silent moment looking at each other.

“What do you want, Chris?”

“Another beer is fine.”

“And you, Yuuri?” Phichit turned to me.

“Water. I have to drive.”

They both stood up and went to the bar. I knew Phichit was giving me time to talk to Chris and it won’t be long, so I got to the point.

“What are you doing Chris? You know how hard this is to me and you’ve been pushing me to him all the damn week. Can you, please, stop?”

“I’m sorry, but no. Maybe you’ve given up, but I haven’t.” He said with seriousness, inclining a little over the table.

“ _Seriously_? How can you be so…?” His behavior was really irritating me, “Do you really need to use me and make me go through more pain? Because I don’t think so.”

“You’re suffering because you want to.”

“What?” I breathed out, offended. I couldn’t believe it, “Do you think I’m some kind of masochist? That I like to be in this situation?”

“No, but you’re just complaining and doing nothing to fix it.”

“It can’t be fixed, Chris!” I said louder than I pretended, feeling my eyes burning, “Stop trying to get me involved. If you want to continue trying is up to you… But I can’t. I told you, and I’d be nice if you respected that.”

Chris furrowed and drunk angrily the last drops of beer in his glass.

“Viktor doesn’t have the life you think he has. Sure, maybe he’s content, but not truly happy. I’ve never seen in him the expression he had when he looked at you as Viktor Nikiforov.”

My heart flinched and I felt like dying for a moment.

“Stop with all that…”

“No, Yuuri. It’s the truth. And it’s fucking annoying that you’re just torturing yourself, because maybe Phichit hasn’t had the guts to say it but you’re being stupid and self-centered. Let me remind you, so you seem to have forgotten, that Viktor had his part of fault in the bad moment you two were going through. I had more than one conversation with him about the issue, and I told him he was being kind of a workaholic and childish. And don’t tell me he hadn’t started fights between us because he did, and I know it. That that very day you were the one who got mad it’s a coincidence; he could’ve been the one who did. If that had been the case, would you, then, want him to feel guilty and step aside, not giving you two another chance to be together again? Besides, you weren’t the driver of the car that crashed into us, right? And Viktor was driving alright. He is not stupid; if he thought he wasn’t feeling up to drive he would have called a taxi. So stop putting that as an excuse. You _didn’t_ kill him. You _didn’t_ ruin his life. You gave him everything he had ever wanted. You two weren’t in your best moment, so what? All couples go through that. That doesn’t eliminate all the good ones.”

I was paralyzed by the rush of words Chris had thrown to me, hugging myself, in the verge of tears.

At that very moment I didn’t know what to think. My body felt lighter, like he had removed a weight that had been squashing me, but at the same time something inside was totally rejecting what he had said.

Chris freed a sight, which sounded more like a grunt, and relaxed his shoulders, suddenly looking tired.

“I can understand you can’t get rid of the guiltiness so easily but… You have to work on it. You’ll be happier with Viktor in your life, and he will be too. And if he doesn’t remember in the end you two are soulmates anyways. You can have a fulfilling life no matter what. I hope he will tho. But you have to try.” All the bother in his gaze had disappeared, replaced with a pleading expression, “Yuuri, just for tonight, stay close to him. If after spending this time with him you don’t want to try anymore I won’t ask you again, I promise. I’m not even asking you to do something specifically, just… Just be with Viktor.”

That was really unfair. There was nothing else I wanted more in the whole world. Chris words were echoing in my head, hammering my thoughts.

After that we sat in silence.

I had to admit that Chris was right, because he was. Maybe I let the sorrow take over me too much but... I still had that bad feeling in my chest.

It was right that I had my memories, but at the same time I had forgotten a lot of things. I had forgotten how it felt to go to bed after a long day and be hugged by him, the way his hands gently caressed my body, his cracked voice at wee hours of the morning, the fond glances, the loving touches… I had been so immersed in my shame that I had forgotten Viktor’s love and how much I wanted to make him happy. And I wanted to feel that love again.

My decisions in the past hadn’t always been the best ones, but I was here because of them. Maybe I had been taking that situation the wrong way. Maybe it wasn’t a punishment, just another obstacle to surpass.

In that lack of words I started to realize that I wished more to fight than to step aside.

Viktor and Phichit came back with four jars, sitting with us again. I looked at Viktor, who handed me a beer with a kind smile.

“For you!”

I made my decisions, sure, but we made decisions together as well. Our future was not something that I had the right to choose just by myself; I already had been selfish enough.

Seeing the blue of his eyes I decided I wanted to fight for him and help to get his memories back. If after remembering he decided he didn’t want me at all, that would be his decision, but until then I’d do my best to give back to him what I had taken away.

Since I remembered I had been waiting for Viktor. Now I had him right there and it was tiring being sad and full of regrets. Phichit and Chris were right: the past couldn’t be modified. I just had the option to move on. And I wanted to move on with him.

I still had a lot to fix in myself, but I had remembered what I had been chasing for two lives.

“Viktor,” I smiled, “thank you.”

I turned to Chris once I had grabbed the beer, taking a sip before talking.

“And Chris…” I said, “I’ll try.”

Chris’ gaze lighted up, his expression turning grateful. Phichit patted my tight under the table, giving me a discreet supportive look.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_You, my sorrows and I,_

_my voice, my memories, my child things,_

_your skin with my skin, pieces of heart,_

_a verse, ashes, barks, sighs,_

_the wind is taking us to the corner._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I really liked your live.”

We were walking down the Rambla, just having left the Hard Rock Cafe. Phichit and Chris were a couple of meters ahead of us, talking and guiding us to a club I’ve never heard talking about.

“I’m glad.” I answered, smiling to him.

Now that I had changed my mind about the situation with Viktor everything felt a little weird without the layer of shame and torment. I didn’t really know how to begin.

I wasn’t planning to seduce him or something like that. I’d be content if we were just friends as long as I had him near. My main priority was to make him remember.

But how could I do that?

Should I recreate moments we had in the past? Just approach and let everything flow? I had no idea. There were no rules for that.

“But you seemed kind of melancholic.” Viktor said.

I stayed silent. Well, most of the songs were melancholic per se, but I thought I could hide my own despair behind them.

Viktor giggled, embarrassment lightly placing in his eyes, and dropped his gaze to the floor.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t....”

“Oh, no.” I hurried to say, Viktor raising his eyes again to me, “It’s okay. I was in fact so... Anyone with eyes could’ve seen it. It’s not like a secret. I’ve had a rough week.”

He hummed, understanding. My mind desperately searched for something to talk about.

“How has it been your first week?” I asked.

“Well, I have no complains yet.”

“ _Yet_.” I snickered, a list of awful teachers and issues with the academic organization appearing in my mind.

“I miss the grass tho, I have to say. It was nice to skip class and go lay on there with a coffee but I like Barcelona so… I don’t mind, really.” He shrugged his shoulders, smiling.

“Have you had luck with searching a job?”

Viktor sighed roughly, frustration twisting a little his expression.

“Not at all. I have savings to survive two more months, three tops, but it’s not like I can do much waste.”

“If that’s so I can invite you tonight.”

I wasn’t like do waste either, but inviting Viktor that night didn’t seem a waste at all.

“Oh. No, no.” He let out right away, “No way. I can’t let you do that.”

“It’s fine, really.”

I smiled genuinely to him and he pressed his lips, unsure. At last he nodded. We continued walking, following our friends. Viktor was looking around the Rambla, seeming to be enjoying its nocturnal atmosphere. The nightlife in Barcelona died with the sunrise; there were always people in the streets, no matter which hour was. It was half past midnight and the clubs had just opened. Among the crowd some persons dressed for the night were making their way to the party too. Phichit loved to go out at night to that kind of clubs, more typical; sometimes I went with him, but they were nothing special to me. I preferred concerts in little places or go for a drink. However, that night was different because Viktor was there.

We made small talk until we arrived to the club Phichit and Chris had chosen, hidden in one of the alleys connected to the Rambla.

“It’s been a while since I went out.” Viktor told me when we were outside the place, waiting in the queue to pay in the entrance.

“Why?”

“Well, I’ve been all the summer arranging things and moving in here so… Besides, Chris was in vacation and I didn’t know anybody here to go out with.”

“What about your ex-classmates or friends in Sabadell?”

The other day Viktor told me -in one of those moments that Chris dragged him to us- that he had born and lived all his life in a city near the UAB: Sabadell. As it seems Chris and Viktor hadn’t been in the same university. Chris came to Barcelona to assist at the UB and Viktor stayed in Sabadell to go to the UAB. Chris had been studying Classics three years there already and the reason he had been glued to Viktor all the day was ‘to make sure he didn’t get lost in the faculty’. Obviously that hadn’t been the reason at all.

I was realizing that we had talked a lot through the week because of Chris. It had been hurting me all those days but suddenly I found myself being grateful about it.

“I’ve barely seen them. It was hard to meet. Everybody has their own things to do.”

Viktor start to look a little downcast and that was the last thing I wanted to see in his expression.

“Then you have to make the most of tonight.” I said cheerfully.

Eventually we got inside. The club was pretty normal. Just two bars placed at the sides, a platform at the bottom where the DJ was and a large dancefloor full of people dancing. We got some drinks and went to the middle of the place.

And all of the sudden Chris and Phichit had disappeared, leaving us alone. Of course… I should’ve expected that.

Viktor approached to my ear.

“Where are they?” He shouted.

“I don’t know.”

He tried to find them, looking around, in vain, and looking like he didn’t know that to do. I sighed. I had no more option.

“Maybe they’ve seen somebody they know. They’ll be back.” I said to his ear, “Let’s dance meanwhile.”

Viktor gazed at me with surprise, but smiled and took a sip of his drink.

“Okay.”

We started to [dance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_W5X7PpcVg). Phichit and Chris weren’t coming back and I think that we both forgot that we hadn’t come there alone. For me it felt nostalgic at first. I had forgotten how thrilling was to dance with Viktor. But that feeling disappeared as the minutes passed.

I didn’t know the time we had been dancing by then. What I knew was that the music started to change into another style and that Viktor was now closer.

He started to touch me, his hands on my shoulders, in my ribs, then going down to grab my hips. I could feel his hipbones touching mine, swinging against me, following my rhythm, and one of his thighs between mine. I had my hands in his lower back, unconsciously needing and wanting him closer, held onto him as we swung lower, to rise once more, and doing this again and again. His rapid respiration caressed my neck, giving me shivers, making me close my eyes and ascend. Viktor’s heart was hammering, heartbeats noticeable through his shirt, through his chest glued to my chest. It had been so long since I felt that pulse against me; feeling that again was almost extrasensorial. My thoughts weren’t clear at that very moment. My body was embraced by his heat and scent. I couldn’t see any other thing but his blue eyes and his hair waving. I couldn’t feel anything but his hands, his laugh, his skin… _I was with him_.

I was with him and that was all that mattered. In fact I needed to forget everything in that moment. I needed to obviate that I had been fighting to let go of him, of the memories, of everything that drawn me to Viktor, because now I felt stupid for deciding to give up. Viktor was worth of all the good things of life and I always wanted to be the one to give them to him. And if I had to suffer, and cry, and sweat blood to make him happy it’d be so. I’d never let go.

Dancing with Viktor, feeling near the man I loved, I regretted every second of the week I had let my insecurity take over my thoughts. Chris was right. Viktor loved me with all his heart and never wanted for me to leave him. And even if he didn’t remember that I’d have in mind from now on that that's what he wanted. I would make up for every tear of our last days, and I would never think of fleeing ever again.

Maybe I was far from perfect, and I had hurt him, and probably there was another person better for him out there… But he had chosen me once and I wanted to deserve to be chosen again by him.

That was my decision. No more regrets. No more sorrow. I wanted to fight. I wanted to give my all to Viktor.

Chris and Phichit reappeared at some point of the night and stayed with us at last. Eventually they said they wanted to go back home so we left the club, Viktor with my arm around his waist. Phichit and Chris were smirking at each other continuously and not even trying to hide it. However, Viktor didn’t even notice, too occupied talking to me.

Chris had taken Phichit and Viktor there with his car. He had it parked in the parking that was in front of the Hard Rock Cafe. Once we got there our friends turned to us.

“Well, so I suppose that’s all for today.” Chris said.

“Are you going home too?” Viktor asked me.

I furrowed lightly, confused by his question.

“I guess.”

“Do you feel like taking a little walk? I don’t want to go home yet. It’s soon.”

It was almost three in the morning, but considering that most of people that went out at night returned home around six or seven… It was soon, yes.

“And how are you going to come back later?” Chris said to him.

“I can drive him.” I suggested.

“I’ll get a taxi. Don’t worry.” Viktor uttered with a grin.

“That’s not a good idea if you’re short of money.”

He grunted softly, muttering a soft ‘okay’. Having said that we said goodbye and Phichit gave me a big hug before leaving with Chris.

Being alone in the half silence of the street felt way different from being alone surrounded by people and with the music resounding. We had danced really close and had been glued to the other since. It was a little uncomfortable for me now, but Viktor wasn’t at all. I didn’t expected so much intimacy that night.

“Where do you want to go?” I needed to talk or I’d start to get embarrassed for real.

“Let’s go down the Rambla.”

I nodded and we started to walk. We talked and walked down the Rambla, and for a moment it felt like we had gotten back in time. But that wasn’t what it was; however, I wasn’t bothered by it anymore. That night my perspective had taken a turn.

We passed by the Boqueria market and Viktor said he hadn’t been there yet. I promised that one day we’d go there together, not even thinking if he wanted to meet again outside college.

Walking and walking we passed in front the Liceu Theater and we were almost at five minutes of the beach already. Then I heard the [sound](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yr9Y2lcfKA) of a Spanish guitar and a voice singing.

“Do you hear that?” Viktor muttered, a smile appearing in his lips.

“Yes.” I giggled, “I know the song.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

We walked a little more and found out that it came from two guys sitting in a bench. I approached them to leave in a hat they had before them all the small change I had on my wallet. They thanked me and I returned to Viktor’s side. Then, an idea materialized in my mind.

“Have you ever danced a Rumba?” I asked with a sly grin.

“No.” He grinned too, clearly suspecting my intentions, “Why?”

“Do you want to try?” I offered my hand to him, inviting.

“Yes. You better lead me right.”

“Count on it.”

He took my hand and I pulled him to me, grabbing his waist with my free hand and raising our interlaced ones. Viktor blushed and stopped breathing for a moment. It was nice to know I still had that effect on him, even when it wasn’t what I was trying to cause.

We started to move slowly to the music. Viktor got used to the dance quickly, knowing when I was going to make him spin around or approach him to swing together. The guys started to shout _olé_ ’s and cheer us.

That dance felt more intimate that the one before. I could saw his face better and hear his laugh when I singed the lyrics in his ear when we were dancing glued to each other.

I loved him, and the raw but sweet truth was that I’d never stop loving him. And after dancing two songs in the middle of the Rambla, seeing how Viktor looked at me, I was more certain about staying and fighting for a life with him.

Whatever that happened in the past didn’t matter anymore. Now I wanted to look forward to future with Viktor in it.

 

 

_Don’t say I have bitten you,_

_let me sleep with you._

_I swear by my dead ones_

_that I snore you slowly._

_Don’t say I have bitten you,_

_let me sleep with you._

_I swear by my dead ones_

_that I snore you slowly._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't expecting this chapter to have so much music but well... It happened. Music will have a lot to do with this story so... 
> 
> Thank you so much those who have left kudos and comments! They gave me life <3 
> 
> I hope you liked the chapter and as always feedback is more than welcome!
> 
> By the way, I'm on [Tumblr](http://nuriaschnee.tumblr.com/) too!
> 
> Song quoted: Marea - Desencuentro
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


	5. Incipient

We didn’t go home until the sunrise came. Neither of us seemed to want to call it a night and say goodbye. We had danced and talked for hours, and ended up hiding in a tiny cafe located in a near alley, to have breakfast and have an excuse to continue together a little longer.

But eventually the tiredness on our bodies was heavy and the bags under our eyes too noticeable. Even if we didn’t want to we knew it was time to go home.

I drove Viktor to the shared student apartment he was living in, which he told me he hated and it was supposed to be temporary but he hadn’t found an alternative yet. He told me that his housemates were loud and messy, and he couldn’t bare it. I laughed at his anecdotes; in part for how funny they were but also because yes, Viktor hadn’t changed at all. He still took organization and cleanliness very seriously. Somehow knowing that he hadn’t changed made my heart warm. After those days of living in absolute coldness that was really comforting.

We had lost ourselves in those night hours and I thought I’d be sad and scared once we had to see off, but, surprisingly, it didn’t felt like that. Viktor waved at me with a smile before disappearing by the door of his building, and when he left I still felt the same hope and happiness that invaded me when we were dancing to the sound of the Rumba. Now I knew that we’ll see each other soon and I’d be able to smile at him with all my heart. With the sunup of that day the darkness of the night vanished, and it carried some that I had been harboring in my core.

I returned home with a smile, remembering parts of the night again and again. I was so happy I didn’t even feel tired. Even the mouse hole that was my apartment didn’t seem so horrible and old. I dragged my feet to my little room and took of my shirt and kicked of my shoes. I wanted to drop myself on the bed, but I knew I should brush my teeth at least.

When I stood before the aged and dull mirror in my bathroom I still had a brief grin in my lips. I laughed. I had such a silly expression… I had to thank Chris on Monday for helping me realize about everything.

I was wetting my toothbrush when it happened. I was staring at the sink’s whiteness and I started to feel dizzy. I blinked a few times at the sensation, thinking that maybe it was due to the fatigue. And then a drop of blood fell on it, corrupting the pale marble. I raised my head, looking at my reflection, seeing the intense nosebleed I was having. I didn’t even have the time to grab a towel or something to clean my face. I had to hold myself onto the sides of the sink, breathing heavily, trying to stay calm, closing my eyes to avoid see more blood, hoping that like this I would feel better.

What a profound mistake.

The dizziness worsened and I opened my eyes, staring at the mirror once more. I was terrified. I didn’t bleed that much before. My mouth was all red, and the blood was going down my neck, but I couldn’t let go of the sink or I’d fall.

All of the sudden my heart beat once in a painful way, making me bend forwards, gasping in pain. Then my vision blacked and the last thing I felt was that I was falling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_She was saying that had the heart tiling til the ceiling,_

_That let’s see if I could make her a frieze with kisses_

_To fill with future the pockets of the apron,_

_And hang a memory of every tile._

 

 

 

 

 

 

Somebody knocking frantically on my front door and yelling my name woke me up. I stayed laid on the floor, not opening my eyes yet, hearing the sounds like they were muffled. I felt cold and weak and really tired. Then, when I recognized that the voice yelling was my best friend’s one I grunted, disoriented, opening my eyes slightly. I didn’t remember why I was on my bathroom’s floor until I caught the sight of something red on my face. Seeing this brightened me up fully. I held onto the edge of the sink and stood up, looking myself in the mirror. Half of my face and neck were covered in dry blood, which had arrived to one of my collarbones. As fast as I could I grabbed the towel hanging next to the sink, wetting it and cleaning my face, and trying to shake the dizzy sensation out of my head. I glanced at my reflection one last time. There was nothing to do, I still looked horrible: my hair was messy from the long night, the bags under my eyes pronounced and showing that I wasn’t alright at all. I sighed and got out of the bathroom, the continuous thud sounds Phichit was making too loud for me to even give a further thought about what had happened to me. I went to the front door and opened it, facing my friend, who seemed worried and a bit annoyed. His eyes went wide right away, his concern turning into horror in the matter of a second.

“What the hell has happened to you?” he almost whispered and then his gaze fixed on my jaw. He approached me fast, grabbing my chin and tilting my head up, “Is that blood?”

Phichit seemed to connect some thoughts in his head and his horror changed into absolute hysteria. He let me go and took his hands to my shoulders, then to the sides of my face.

“How much have you bled? Oh my god, you were unconscious, right? I’ve been here for five minutes straight and… I have to call the 112 for an ambulance and take you to the hospital now.”

“Hey, hey, hold on,” I gripped his hands, freeing myself, but holding them still in a comforting way, “I’m alright.”

I wasn’t really sure about that, to be honest. But I didn’t feel bad, just a bit dizzy and cold from being for so long on the floor.

“But Yuuri, be reasonable. A doctor has to see you.”

“I went two weeks ago for a check-up and everything is fine.”

“I know, but your doctor said that you could get anemia if you bled too much.”

“It seems worse than how it really is. I promise that if later I feel bad I’ll go to the hospital, okay?”

Phichit wasn’t content with that, of course, but he just nodded a little and got inside. I went to my room to grab a shirt and then to sit down on the couch in my little living-dining room with him. He was silent for a minute, starting to seem more calmed.

“I’ve been thinking…” He said eventually, thoughtfully, and made a pause before continuing, “I wasn’t sure, but now I am. I think I might know what causes your episodes. And no, is not stress, definitely.”

I tilted my head to him, waiting for him to proceed with an explanation. Phichit took a deep breath, not looking at me, and then he let out all the air in his lungs, seeming exhausted and an internal struggle showing in his face.

“I’m not sure since it’s impossible to know but… At least this week it coincided…” He started mumbling.

“What you mean, Phichit?”

He raised his eyes to the ceiling and sighed deeply.

“I think it’s because of Viktor.”

His words hammered in my head and I thought I was going to bleed again. I furrowed, confused.

“Viktor?”

“Yes. Every time he’s around you have a nosebleed,” he opened his palm and started to count, making a list, “Monday when we were walking by El Triangle, where he was; then, later when you saw him for the first time; Wednesday and Thursday at lunch when we were at the courtyard; and today, and I know that you two have been out all night. Chris has sent me a message saying Viktor has told him.”

I just stared at Phichit, trying to understand the connection he had made, but not finding any sense in it.

“But that doesn’t make sense. He has been around for a week and all this started in June.”

Phichit turned to me at last, “Well and when did he say he moved in here?”

A knot formed in the tip of my stomach and I felt a shiver go up for my back until my nape.

“In June.”

“And he lives around the Vía Laietana, right? It’s barely five minutes on foot from Plaça Catalunya, where you work and have spent almost all the summer.”

I glanced blankly at him. Even if those events coincided, what did that mean?

“So… What, then?”

Phichit seemed as lost as I felt after explaining his theory to me. He crossed his legs in the sofa, turning his body completely to me, and dropping his gaze for a moment.

“I don’t know, Yuuri. All we know are assumptions and this is new. Even if I’m right about it… I don’t know,” Phichit fidgeted a little, “Maybe finding your soulmate in person is too much for your body. It’s clear that as much time you spend with him the worse your episodes get.”

I knew Phichit enough to know that he was abstaining himself of saying what was in his mind right then.

“What are you implying, Phichit?”

He shrugged his shoulders and furrowed a bit, “It’s just that… Maybe if this goes on you should reconsider what you’re going to do.”

“What?” I snapped, startled, “But you said you would back me no matter what.”

“I do… I know how much you love him and what you decided last night, and I think there’s no better person for you than Viktor but… If being with him makes you sick I don’t think I could support that. You’ve been my best friend for two lives and I don’t want to lose you.”

My throat tightened, closing completely, not letting any words get out. I didn’t know what to say actually.

Phichit looked down at the space between us, shame and worry mixing in the expression on his face.

My instinct at seeing his mood was approach and hug him, “You’re not going to lose me,” I said softly, trying to sound reassuring.

If he was right and Viktor was causing me those episodes was something I didn’t know. However, I didn’t really care. I had made up my mind, and I wasn’t rethinking it again. Another chance had been given to me and I was going to take it. I was going to fight, even if I bleed, even if my body was weak, I would become stronger and get up every time.

“Promise me.”

 Sincerely, I squeezed him and said, “I promise.”

 

 

 

 

 

_And nothing makes her sicker than stand like a crag_

_for the winter to pass,_

_for I saying to her that we will see later._

_She has lived in a whisper,_

_proud to has been a mare without limit_

_tired to walk on the floor._

 

 

 

 

 

 

He stayed almost all the day and we talked about the night. After his visit the weekend flown by and I didn’t have more episodes or felt bad at all, which was a relief. I hated going to the hospital. It gave some kind of bad vibration.

The weekend had been quiet and I had been happy because of the sweet residual feeling of my night with Viktor. But Monday didn’t start well at all.

I was going down the stairs when all of the sudden I bumped into my landlord, and old man, almost in his seventies and hairless. Every time we met he gave me a fond smile and looked me with nostalgia in his big blue eyes.

“Good morning, Mr. Amez.”

“Good morning, Yuuri. I was hoping to find you.”

This startled me. I had paid my rent that month. Why was he looking for me?

“Why?” I asked, stopping in the step above of the one he was on.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Is something wrong?”

“Well, sadly, yes, there something wrong.”

I hoped he wasn’t sick. He always seemed to have a good health, but age is unforgiving.

“What is it?”

“I wanted to warn you sooner, but I couldn’t find you. The owner of the building requested a demolition license last month. He says the building is too old and that he wants to sell the land once it gets demolished. As you know there’s few people living here by now and all of them had agreed with leaving. You told me a few months ago that this would be a temporary place so I agreed too. The owner is going to pay compensation to everyone; I’ll give you a part, of course.”

It took me a few seconds to process the information. It was true that I said that, but I never thought I would have to leave by force. That made me a little mad, but I couldn’t get angry to that man. I just sighed.

“How much time do I have to leave?”

“Two weeks, three tops. Everybody have to be out by the end of the first week of October.”

That was very little time.

“I’m sorry, boy. I’ve should have come sooner.”

“It’s okay.”

 

 

 

 

 

_I told her that at night from my pores came out seas,_

_dreaming that she talked to me and I hold onto her vocal cords,_

_so there’s nobody that can sleep, hearing my heartbeat,_

_so seem that it’s chewing glasses._

_I have a cat in my entrails, a trembling in my eyelashes_

_and very little time_

_if she says that we’ll see later._

_I’m breaking windows to clear the way_

_through my window,_

_if she gets tired to walk on the floor._

 

 

 

 

 

 

What was I going to do?

That month I had to pay a lot of bills because of the university and I hadn’t the money to rent an apartment before the beginning of the next month. Besides, I doubted that with my salary I could rent anything near the university. In that zone the rents were impossibly high, but gasoline was higher in price and my only mode of transport was my bike. Maybe I had to think about catching the buses, but I would have to get up earlier to arrive at time. And I had to eat, of course, and forget about skating for some time. Getting another job was almost impossible. I could combine two jobs but nobody was going to hire me just like things were.

I really was in trouble.

Phichit hadn’t class that morning and I was alone in one of the stone benches of the faculty’s courtyard, making calculus in a piece of paper and stressing, with a coffee getting cold in front of me.

“You seem stressed.”

I glanced up to the voice, finding a pair of blue eyes staring at me and a worried smile in those lips.

“Vikor… Hi.”

“Hi. Can I sit or I’d be a nuisance?”

“Oh, no, sit. No problem.”

I grabbed the paper and put it in my backpack, making room for him. I picked up my coffee and he sat down by my side.

“May I ask you what happens?”

I sighed, taking a sip of my coffee, “I have to search for another apartment before two weeks because my building it’s going to be demolished.”

“Really?” His eyes widened.

“Yep. And I’m afraid I’m very short of money.”

“Oh my god... You shouldn’t have invited me the other day.”

“I’ve found out this morning. And that was nothing, really.”

He clicked his tongue, sighing too, dropping his gaze to the floor. But soon and suddenly he raised his head and looked at me with his eyes shining. Viktor opened his mouth, about to talk, and in a moment he closed it, shrugging his shoulders and seeming to have regretted it.

“What?”

“Something stupid. It doesn’t matter,” he shook his head.

“You can say it anyways. Maybe it’s not stupid.”

He tilted his head, thoughtfully, and then turned to me a little more, being now face to face.

“The thing is that I got a job on Saturday.”

“Are you serious?” I said with excitement.

“Yes! And they’re going to pay me very well. I start today.”

“And where?”

“In Tous. The one in Plaça Catalunya.”

“That’s awesome. I’m so glad!”

“Thank you,” he smiled and shook his head a little, “But was I was going to say is that I want to leave the apartment I’m living in, as you know, and you’re leaving yours and my wage is going to be good so…”

Viktor went silent and shrugged his shoulders again. I blinked a few times, waiting for him to talk before I jumped to assumptions.

“I know we met a week ago but I have the feeling like I know you since forever and we get along well… If you want to share an apartment I wouldn’t mind to move in with you.”

I was without words and my heart was hammering in my chest. Viktor wanted to live with me? I could say I was surprised, but knowing him… He did it once and didn’t hesitate, why would he be different about that now? He clearly wasn’t.

But, even so I knew already how living with Viktor was, I felt nervous and excited. It felt like a novelty again somehow.

“See? I said it was stupid,” he said in a faint voice, seeming full of regret.

“It’s not.” I hurried to say. That proposition was something I hadn’t had to think about.

Viktor glanced up with a bright expression, “Then…”

“I’d love to share an apartment with you.” I smiled at him. Suddenly all my stress had vanished. “But we would have to look for an apartment which rent isn’t too high, even if we go halves.”

“That’s fine,” he said, full of astonishment, but in a good way, “So… You want to…?”

“Yes.”

I couldn’t even blink and I had him hugging me tight. He pulled back, flushed, before I could hug back.

I smiled genuinely and he returned the smile. I still wasn’t sure that being with him was what was causing my episodes but if it was I didn’t care. I would accept all the pain just to accept all his love.

 

 

_We’ll put the tablecloth, you stay by my side_

_and we’ll eat at the sunrise whatever the hands want_

_and for desert a cursed sun that finishes making me go crazy,_

_so you know that the moon it’s not enough for me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost a month since I posted the last chapter but university is killing me this year. I'm not satified with the quality of this chapter but I had to let it out. 
> 
> Anyways I hope you liked it and you know I'd love to know what you think! <3
> 
> I'm on [Tumblr](http://nuriaschnee.tumblr.com/) too!
> 
> Song quoted: Marea - La Luna Me Sabe A Poco
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


End file.
